Never say Never: I am a NICU mom who almost failed at Breastfeeding

I never thought I would be a NICU mom.

I never thought I would be labeled as a "failure at breastfeeding."

It was day 7 of 2019 and the titles began. The first being: NICU Mom. At 1:07 pm on January 7th, my daughter was delivered via C-section and the first sound I heard was her cry. I immediately told my husband that her cry was different from her brothers’. She was later diagnosed with anemia at birth and this led to her abnormal breathing and her ability to not let out a “normal” baby cry to clear her lungs properly. Motherly instinct at its finest.

While I was on the operating table, my OB flashed her in front of me then she was instantly taken to the NICU by the doctors in “white suits” that filled the room. This was unexpected and frightening as our sons both had no complications at birth. The lead doctor came to my bedside and asked if was OK to feed her formula, if needed. I researched the hospital and knew it was the city's only Mother and Baby hospital. Knowing this, the answer was no. I explained my desire to nurse her or have donor breast milk. (He seemed surprised that I knew exactly how I wanted to feed my daughter.) I did not get to nurse or see my baby until 10 that evening. Post recovery, I hand expressed colostrum for her to be tube-fed.

Fast forward to day 3 of her life, my second title was earned: Failure at Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a gift I have given both my sons, they self-weaned (20 months and 30 months). When the doctor said I was failing my daughter, I felt torn, sad, and defeated. I was 3 days postpartum, tired from walking to the NICU every 3 hours for the last 72 hours to nurse, and still in pain from my C-section. Miserable and at my lowest point, I listened to the doctor explain that I needed to give her formula and my situation was not one in which donor milk could be used. She was 12% below her birth weight and would not leave the hospital until her weight increased. In his opinion, she was starving because my breast milk was not filling her and thereby making her lose calories and energy. The doctor flat out said, “You are failing at breastfeeding.”

At this point, I could not stand, speak nor think. My C-section pain had now increased to a level 9 out of 10. I asked my husband to take the lead on the care plan discussion. I desperately needed a warm shower and was not capable of conversation. We agreed that we would say and do what they asked, anything to be home where we could breastfeed on demand and not be trapped by their orders. And, we continued to push for donor milk over formula.

After my heavenly shower, my husband came in and helped me dress and towel dry. The plan was to pump, then bottle feed with my milk or donor milk. The nurse fought for us so we would not need to use formula. Baby would not be allowed to breastfeed due to the energy it was taking from her. I cried as I felt my nursing relationship was going to end because she needed to be on the breast in order to keep stimulating milk. But, I knew in order to have her discharged, we needed to follow the doctor’s orders. That night, those wooden floors in the NICU soaked up a lot of my tears.

But we survived.

I woke up the next morning to our lactation nurse. She began to apologize about the orders being reversed and let me know that she spoke to the lead doctor and the orders were back to breast first, then pump, then supplement. Her words were angelic. My lactation nurse saved our breastfeeding journey from failure. We were discharged from the NICU the next day.

One month later, baby girl is still 100% breastmilk and gaining weight. We are working through some obstacles but I am praying for success!

Lastly, I offer some advice: Know your hospital. Is donor milk an option? Have a plan and voice it to all hospital staff. Make them aware of your wishes, don’t let them form assumptions.

Sometimes, it's best to follow doctor’s orders so you can go home. Even if you don't agree with them.

Sometimes, you have to ask more than once. We continued to ask for donor milk and we finally received it.

Never promise your older children they will be able to see the new baby after birth. Don't be me and have to see the smiles fade on your 4- and 6-year old’s faces when they walk in expecting to see their baby sister and could not. THIS thought still makes me cry. Prepare your children for the "what if" and you will be glad you did.

And finally, never say never!

We understand doctors have a job of sending healthy children home and sometimes this can block their judgement. The things they could have reconsidered were their timing and choice of words─the formula discussion should NOT have happened in the middle of me lying with my insides outside of me on the operating table and no one should be called a "failure"─especially a woman who is at a most vulnerable state and merely days of postpartum.

While this hospital could have easily made my nursing relationship with my daughter suffer tremendously, I know my daughter received the best care she could have possibly received out of all the NICU hospitals in the city, and for this, we are blessed.